16 January 2010

Midwinter is always a time of introspection for me. I sleep a lot, I dream a lot, I don't do a lot of external stuff. Anyone watching me for the last few weeks would see someone who eats and sleeps, takes care of the living space, talks with the cat, does some visiting; nothing big in terms of externals. I am still teaching and producing Paradigms, but I've also been watching movies and making applejack and really being pretty low key.

I find myself arriving in a new place as far as grieving for my mother goes. It's been 5 and a half years since she was murdered. I've been missing her a lot lately. I've also been peeling back layers during these years, and am now encountering another layer of anger. It's been hard for me to get to the anger at whoever killed her. I've felt angry, but I've stayed away from the big rage. I can speculate as to why, but bottom line is my psyche wasn't ready so I didn't go there. Today I felt like I could take a baseball bat to the person and hurt them. Badly.

I have not been violent towards other living creatures many times in my life. Maybe a couple of times I've struck out at another human, and I'm ashamed to say I have smacked my dog a few times. I don't think of myself generally as a violent person. In fact I reject violence as acceptable behavior. I don't want to be a violent person. This anger brings me into contact with feelings I don't like or want to feel; the kind of feelings that lead people to behave in ways I find unacceptable. So now I am facing a contradiction in myself.

I haven't focused on Haiti a lot. I just didn't feel it. Today I closed my eyes and visited Haiti astrally, or in my imagination, however one wants to see that. I heard the moaning and crying of those who are still buried alive. I could feel them under the rubble. There are thousands. I felt the current, the force of awareness, like electricity moving through my body. I saw spirits whose bodies had just died leaving Earth, floating up, flying up. It reminds me of Sept 11, 12, 13 2001 when I had similar experiences. I know that the shock of such a death can take some getting used to. I also know that these people, these beings, these energies, freed from their broken bodies, and for many their very hard lives, are now released from the physicality of life on Earth. They are their truest selves, unencumbered with the baggage of human life.

Welcome to 2010.

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