I find myself in a state of depression. I am exhausted all the time. It is a lot of work to get myself to do anything. I crave solitude but am happiest when I'm with friends.
Whenever I have an emotional spike it brings thoughts and feelings about my mother's murder. I can't shake it.
I am so fortunate that friends have given me a place to live, that the state has granted me $200 a month in foodstamps. Occasionally something else brings in some cash, but other than those resources I am down to zero.
I went traveling for 4 years, in part to rediscover my own life's trajectory. Now I am back where I started and it's as if I never did any of those things, had the experiences of the last 4 years.
I don't think I deferred grieving. I certainly have grieved.
Maybe it's the fact that the crime is unresolved, thanks to the government and police of Nevis.
Maybe being in Vermont again, I have to go through this to make a new life here.
I'm not even sure why I'm putting this out in such a public place as my blog. Maybe just to say, some things one can never get over.
07 May 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I'm sorry to hear of your mother's passing; sorrier still to hear it was murder. How one would ever completely deal with that is not something I would suspect to be something that one simply "gets over"; you've got the loss of your mother, a central figure in your life (does anyone ever really get over the loss of a parent?), compounded by the fact that someone deliberately chose to end her life. I can only imagine what that's like, and I say, take all the time you need to grieve and think about her.
My godfather's dad died when he was just five years old, in a mysterious plane crash over Egypt. He's 66 now and still has pangs, although he rarely speaks of it. He once told me it's like an old wound that has since scarred over but occasionally something will pick at the scab and it'll be painful for awhile, but then it scabs over again.
I wish you well, and I'm sorry you - or anyone - should have to go through this, and hope that I can somehow offer you some words of comfort through this Net of ours.
Be well today, and every day...
Hey Baruch
sending you a virtual hug, or an empathetic listen or as close as I can get...
from where I sit, it seems that the money thing is usually pretty fraught as well and can bring up a lot of stuff. It's hard to feel energetic when resources have run out.
there are so many metaphors - money is also how we take care of ourselves, and also a tangible demonstration of society's support for us, and a mother is also a major figure of caretaking and support... and I'm sure there are more, and maybe more relevent ones, that I'm missing.
wish I could offer more than that - maybe also, I can be a witness to you that you certainly did do those things, no matter what things look like now. and I can note - for better or worse - that where you go from here (spiritually, not necessarily physically), and how, has as much if not more potential for inspiration as anything else you've done thus far.
much love, and wishing you much healing beauty
Hi Baruch,
The East wind will bring you my Love. The Stars the comfort of the Star Goddess. When you lie down on the Earth, your heart beat will attune itself with the heart beat of the Earth. Water will energize your body. The candle's flame will remind you of the spark of life.
When I feel depressed I put the Buddha smile on my face. It affects the dormant face muscles and changes the brain chemistry.
After a while, maybe half an hour, one hour, maybe more, something starts changing. The universe looks different. The colors look more alive.
See you in November in Israel.
We all love you here.
Take care.
Love
Arie
Kei te mihi aroha ki a koe Baruch. I te tuatahi he mihi ki te Atua AIO ko ia te timatatanga me te whakamutunga o nga mea katoa. Ki tou whaea moe mai, moe mai, moe mai. Hoki wairua mai ki te hunga ora tena koe, tena koe otira tena tatou katoa.
To AIO Great Spirit gathering us we give thanks and appreciation for the unconditional Love radiating. In this is the beginning and ending of all that is. To the GodForce of your beloved mother, rest now in your long night of sleep, sleep, sleep amongst our Ancients in perfect peace. And now our GodForce returns here to ourselves the living in the world of forms and learning the journey of our own truth Unique vibrational integrity rising. We acknowledge you, we recognise you, we embrace you into all our relations.
Celebrating a life however short and whatever the mode of departure to the larger life ...is deeply personal and Unique. We are also cycle and season, these are the great gifts of our Divine parents of Earth and Sky. They lift us out of our very human understandings to what is infinite, immeasurable, alive with abundance, irreducible to little lives, little worries, to the face and heart of Great Mystery and Great Spirit walking in us all.
Every experience we are attracting brings us closer to perfect surrender to our Divinity selves ...shining bright and calling others to us ...whose light is also fed ...who drink of the same living water ...that we know in our deepest serene lake of ourselves ...we are more than our human persona ...our outer garments of the Divinity that is YOU ...Me with no distances in between. Much love and respect Baruch. Arohanui Big Love from Rotorua NZ.
Post a Comment