This Human Journey

 Today I am recovering from my second dose of the Moderna Covid-19 vaccine.  Last night was rough; fever, aches, very unpleasant. Today I am better, though exhausted from last night.  I'm sure all that informs how I am feeling.

Reading about what's happening in Myanmar, children gunned down in the street by soldiers (with Russian weapons, supplied by Russia), dozens killed yesterday, and dozens in the weeks since the coup, and how many more?

10 people gunned down by yet another young white male shooter in the US; where is the response that says we must address why and how our society creates these killers?  I don't see it.  I don't hear it.

Violence is one of humanity's most enduring problems, our violence.  War, domestic violence, violence on the streets, the systemic violence of racism (Georgia passing Jim Crow voting restriction laws this week), violence against women (Minnesota Supreme Court ruling that it isn't rape if the woman ingested alcohol prior to the forced non-consensual sexual activity) and the list goes on and on.

Are we evolving or are we de-evolving? I wonder.

May the healing begin...

How to begin? How to turn the corner from the feelings of anger and grief, of feeling terrorized and violated, for myself and on behalf of others. I’m not quite there but I am beginning to see that it is necessary to turn this over, to let go of the vitriol and focus on what has been so horrific and appalling.

We’re emerging from four years of a deeply abusive relationship, complete with violence, gaslighting, pillaging, and more. The country has been traumatized, and it already was traumatized, but this last four years has been a concentrated dose of poison.

There are a lot of people for whom the abuse and trauma was not just psychological, it was and still is physical.  There are families that have been separated and may never find each other again.  There are over 400,000 people dead from a virus, many of those deaths were preventable.  People have been killed, and injured from the trickle down of bigotry from “on high.”  The wounds are many and healing is gradual.

Perhaps we need a Truth & Reconciliation process.  Perhaps we need to broadly encourage people to express themselves as part of their healing, in art, in sharing with loved ones, in ceremony and ritual even. This has been a nightmare and we are not out of it yet.  What happens next?  How DO we heal as a people?  Do we have to heal as individuals first?  Maybe they are the same thing.  

Our country was facing huge challenges before this period of toxic regression and chicanery, and those challenges did not go away.  Some are now more difficult.  Some areas have made progress, ironically because of the virus. We add to all of that the recovery and reconstruction required now. It looks like a lot of work. 

Part of our work has got to be celebrating and helping each other.  Isn't that the antidote to cruelty and deceit?

On this day...

 It's Sunday, the day I shop at 7 AM, during the "Old People's" shopping time.  It's my one outing, and it's weekly.  I shopped as usual, and driving home, listening to George Harrison "Living in the Material World" I felt so strongly George's presence, and I asked him to help.  Help me.  Whatever the work is that's left for me, and there seems to be plenty of it, I am still here, and I sure could use help.  Then they just flooded in, all my beloved dead; Maureen, my parents, my brother, Madelin; so many have passed.  And I remembered how all of us who live are descended from people who lived through so much.  I thought of my friend Yoeke's mother, who survived a nazi concentration camp.  I think of my melinated friends and what they go through.  

On this week's episode of Paradigms I spoke with Sandor Katz about his new book "Fermentation as Metaphor".  One thing he shared is that we are each made up of and host to trillions of micro-organisms, and it made me think, maybe we can appeal to or somehow reach out to the micro-organisms in the people who are filled with rage and believing lies and pushing a violent racist agenda.  We know that meditation changes the literal vibrations around the meditator.  Do these concepts offer ways to get through to people who are so lost they don't believe their own eyes and ears anymore, but only what they are told by someone they idolize? 

It's morning still, early.  What will this day bring?  

New Strategies for a Different World

Growing up in the US has been about getting through school, maybe even college, finding work, having friendships and relationships.  For some people it means surviving adverse conditions, white supremacy, police violence, but for everyone regardless of level of privilege there is always the idea that if you play your cards right and have some good luck you just might end up with a life you want, amount of luck depending on numerous variables.

"Getting what I want" is the driving force behind capitalism, which is destroying the world.

Now we are faced with a global pandemic, likely being used to commit genocide in some places, being successfully subdued in others.  Here in the US west the fires have created a new normal of toxic smoke and all it brings; toxic soil, sick wildlife and pets, gardens we cannot eat, and more.

After 2 weeks of not seeing the sky, and breathing in noxious fumes, I panicked and started preparing to move back to Vermont.  I mobilized friends and family and found an apartment to move into and have been getting ready to move, but with misgivings.  Big rent, in town living with my dog who is a country dog (as am I!), the drive across the country; all fuel my doubts.

Indecision has never been a big issue for me.  Generally I have a good idea of what choice to make in most situations.  That's been one of the things that I appreciated in this life.  Now I am not feeling decisive.

What I am realizing today is that my fantasy of my comfy little life where I work as much as I want and can take breaks without huge financial strife, where the sky is blue and the soil is not poisoned and I can grow things and enjoy...lovely images, have lived parts of it, but right now we are in a time where what I want is not even close to the top of the priority list anymore.  In order to respond effectively to the many stressors we are all facing, I need to rise to the occasion, and put my own personal wants aside so I can focus on the tasks at hand.  It's a challenge. Translated this means...stay in the toxic zone and help heal the soil and the air and the water.

I am not deciding, I am exploring possibilities.

It's about relinquishing ego and attachment. The ongoing work.