Midwinter is always a time of introspection for me. I sleep a lot, I dream a lot, I don't do a lot of external stuff. Anyone watching me for the last few weeks would see someone who eats and sleeps, takes care of the living space, talks with the cat, does some visiting; nothing big in terms of externals. I am still teaching and producing Paradigms, but I've also been watching movies and making applejack and really being pretty low key.

I find myself arriving in a new place as far as grieving for my mother goes. It's been 5 and a half years since she was murdered. I've been missing her a lot lately. I've also been peeling back layers during these years, and am now encountering another layer of anger. It's been hard for me to get to the anger at whoever killed her. I've felt angry, but I've stayed away from the big rage. I can speculate as to why, but bottom line is my psyche wasn't ready so I didn't go there. Today I felt like I could take a baseball bat to the person and hurt them. Badly.

I have not been violent towards other living creatures many times in my life. Maybe a couple of times I've struck out at another human, and I'm ashamed to say I have smacked my dog a few times. I don't think of myself generally as a violent person. In fact I reject violence as acceptable behavior. I don't want to be a violent person. This anger brings me into contact with feelings I don't like or want to feel; the kind of feelings that lead people to behave in ways I find unacceptable. So now I am facing a contradiction in myself.

I haven't focused on Haiti a lot. I just didn't feel it. Today I closed my eyes and visited Haiti astrally, or in my imagination, however one wants to see that. I heard the moaning and crying of those who are still buried alive. I could feel them under the rubble. There are thousands. I felt the current, the force of awareness, like electricity moving through my body. I saw spirits whose bodies had just died leaving Earth, floating up, flying up. It reminds me of Sept 11, 12, 13 2001 when I had similar experiences. I know that the shock of such a death can take some getting used to. I also know that these people, these beings, these energies, freed from their broken bodies, and for many their very hard lives, are now released from the physicality of life on Earth. They are their truest selves, unencumbered with the baggage of human life.

Welcome to 2010.

Last night I had dinner with dear friends and (finally!) met their 2 1/2 yr old son. What a joy. Earlier yesterday I was with dear friends celebrating life and the sacredness of all.

So many gifts.

Life is always changing so it’s obvious to say that this time in my life is unique, but I’m saying it anyway. I’m approaching my 50th birthday in a few months. That’s a trip. I’m living a very slow paced non-frenetic life, working on projects I believe in.

I notice that my sphere of awareness has changed. I am much more in touch with what’s happening in friends’ lives than I am in the world. In the past I’ve maintained a larger awareness. I’ve focused on the world, the suffering, the politics, the environmental changes. I answered the call to Gaia and consciously spent time focused on the whole. Now I am shrinking my sphere of awareness, and it’s good.

Earlier this month I attended a meeting of a homicide survivor’s support group. Thanks to a friend I realized I wanted and needed to do that, and found this group just in time to attend one of their quarterly gatherings. I was a little apprehensive at first, but the people were open and honest about what they were dealing with, and that made a space for me to acknowledge how I have been changed by the experience of my mother’s murder.

When it happened I grieved hard, but I also experienced an elation, a sense of release. I knew at the time that there was a manic quality to what I was experiencing, but I went with it; selling my house, getting rid of most of my stuff, closing my therapy practice, and then traveling for 4 years. Upon reflection, from this angle, I see how wise that was. I knew at the time that I had to do it, but in retrospect I see that, had I not propelled myself forward with that manic energy I would most likely have disintegrated into who knows what.

Now, with 5 years between me and Rita’s death, I have enough of a buffer to proceed with acknowledging the trauma of it all for me. I’m examining the ways in which my relationship with “the world” was changed, and how to deal with that.

Those years were spent both in solitude and in the company of many many people. I met people who I recognized as family, who I still feel close to. I participated in actions out of principle and conviction, going way beyond my comfort zone at times. I’m grateful for those experiences, for having had the energy to extend myself so far, for so much love and learning.

At the end of 2009 I find myself reeling in, shrinking that sphere of awareness, happily more concerned with those around me.

This week is especially great simply because I had some great bodywork and got a new cervical collar. That combination, along with judicious use of ibuprofen has resulted in a huge reduction in neck pain, halleluja! The last year has been pretty painful, since I split that cord of wood in Montana last December (never again!) and this week is the best relief I’ve had since then.

I am definitely no longer manic. My feelings are all pretty accessible; sadness, anger, joy and fear. Healing is happening within me.

Peace.

I capitalize the word nowadays, as I do the word Earth.

Both words represent something worthy of reverence.

On December 20 my radio show Paradigms will be focused on visions of Peace. Each of us has our own visions of a peaceful world.

Except that recently I have come to the understanding that not everyone knows how to envision Peace. Some people, for a variety of reasons, either cannot or do not believe they can (which amounts to the same thing) imagine Peace.

The mission of the December 20 Paradigms is to offer the visions of a variety of people from different places on Earth to prime the pump for listeners. It seems to me that the more people envision Peace, the more peaceful the world will become.

When was the last time you, dear reader, told someone of your visions of Peace, or listened while someone else shared theirs?

There are still spaces in the December 20 show for people who would like to contribute one of their visions of Peace. If you'd like one of those spaces, email me!

Recently I wrote an Op-ed which I sent to the Burlington Free Press. I was very surprised when they printed it. Here's a link.

One of the comments posted by readiers in the online edition referred to me as being anti-war, but they used the term as if it were a bad thing to be. That's so crazy to me.

This morning I feel inspired to put together an episode of Paradigms approaching the topic of Peace by interviewing people from different spiritual backgrounds and traditions. I am looking for people who would be willing to be interviewed. If you are interested please email me. If you know someone who you think may be interested, please share my contact information with them. If you have a suggestion for me of someone to contact, please email me.

The episode will air on December 20 so it would be good to get these interviews in motion. Thank you!