Monday 25 June 2007, 18:54

I am hoping this post makes clear my appreciation to the really wonderfully generous kind people I stayed with and near in Germany who helped me during a difficult time. I don't know how I would have made it without them.

I also want to be very clear that my personal experience of physical pain, whether it's simply mechanical or psychic or both or neither, is not about my interpersonal experiences in Germany. It is not about the beauty of the countryside. When I refer to the painful part of my experiences and interpret that, I am not blaming or holding responsible anyone I met, stayed with, hung out with.

I also am clear that I did have a very intense experience which I am still processing physically, emotionally, and psychically. I would not be true to myself if I said that Germany does not and has not cast a shadow in my life. It has. That is not anyone's job, nor does it lie within anyone's ability, to heal or reconcile. I am not looking for or expecting that from anyone. That is my work to do, hopefully with support, and I experience that support from many people including, and sometimes especially, friends who are German.

I made a comment a few entries ago:

"One thing I am learning, which I can articulate at this point is that, despite my lifelong pursuit to see humanity as one, right now I see that we are made up of different groups, with real differences, some of them possibly irreconcilable. I have always rejected this view as an impediment to peace, but now I am thinking...it’s true. There are real differences. What that means for the possibility of peace, I do not know."

I know so many people who are committed to peace, and I understand that for me to make a public statement like that is uncomfortable for some folks. I am learning. I am questioning. I ask uncomfortable questions. I always have and it's gotten me into trouble more times than I can count. I, too, am committed to peace, and I have questions about how it does and does not exist, how we do/can and do not/cannot manifest it. I do not know the answers, but I see what I see and it makes me wonder, so I ask.

More than anything I want my presence in the world to be one that spreads love. Sometimes I am really good at this. Sometimes, not so good. At free camp in 2006 we worked with the 3 faces of betrayal; betraying others, being betrayed by others, betraying ourselves. We worked with the reality that we each experience all three, and despite that we need to love each other and ourselves in order for there to be peace. I continue to work with this lesson.

Saturday 23 June 2007, 11:37

Yesterday I had acupuncture which has helped my low back and leg immensely. The guy took my pulses and said "herniated disk." I came back to the place where I am staying and went to bed and spent 24 hours sweating out a fever, dreaming, waking, sleeping, sweating, etc. Today I feel better. I can have a conversation, I can sit at the computer and write, I may even eat something.

My last entry drew many responses from friends. All responses conveyed concern for my well being. Some folks had a hard time with my focus on the history of Germany and wondered about the genocides elsewhere, and did I think what happened in Germany was worse than what happened, for example, in North America. One friend was saddened that I didn't write about the beautiful places she showed me in Germany, and the places where there was resistance.

I am working something through. I don't know how to say it but I will try.

I had a physiological response to going to a place. I went there with some thoughts in my mind, of course, of the history, but I had no idea, plan, or desire to have this physical breakdown. But I did. Maybe my disk herniated and I got a virus. Maybe psychically I tuned into the ancestors of the place and my own ancestors and that relationship.

When I traveled across North America through Indian lands, I thought, and felt, and wrote in my blog, about that genocide. I cried. I listened to music of the people. I went to native lands, went to a pow wow, made offerings. It was deeply moving for me. I did not experience a physical breakdown. My body just didn't respond that way.

When I saw the beautiful places in Germany, and learned more of people who had been in the resistance and what happened to them, I was moved. I was glad to see the beauty, and saddened by the pain people experienced, but it was second hand news. It didn't enter my body.

When my back went kaplooey in Otterstedt, and then after coming to Holland I got this exhaustion flu-like thing, these were in my body. I felt like a witness to these things, not like I had any choice but to ride them out.

I think that we all have feelings about the behavior of our ancestors. I have ancestors who were bloody killers, if you read the old testament. Probably most if not all of us alive on Earth now have ancestors who killed, raped, pillaged. I feel shame about how Israel treats the Palestinians. When I was in Israel I was aware that as an american jewish male I was in a privileged class. The privileged classes are usually the perpetrator classes.

My earthwalk in this life is one of learning. Right now I feel that I am in the middle of a learning piece. I don't have an overview of it yet. It isn't complete. I'm in process.

I write this blog to share with friends my news, to share my process, as a kind of therapy tool for myself. A friend who is also a writer told me "You think you know what you've written, but you don't. You've created a structure and then people plug into it with their own stuff." I really sense that strongly right now. This is so huge for me personally, it makes sense it would hold energy for the people who read this, mostly people who love me.

So I welcome comments. I welcome the opportunity for dialogue. I am learning, and I am not putting down in this blog, the wisdom of the ages. This is all part of one person's journey.

Thursday 21 June 2007, 13:57

Solstice! It is grey and chilly in Holland today.

I am beginning to get some perspective on my time and experiences in Germany and how I am feeling. I am more exhausted than I can ever remember being. I feel like I have been severely beaten for days; sore, achy, tired. I am rediscovering my own aliveness.

I relate to life through my body. I am of the earth and am very identified with Earth. The energy in different places has an effect on me. The earth in Germany is soaked in the blood of centures of violence and torture, and especially the attempted genocide on my tribe, my relatives, in the last century. It’s real. I feel it. It’s not a cognitive experience, it’s an embodied experience. The kindness of my friends there is real and I treasure those friends, but it doesn’t change the reality of the history and how that works in me.

Maybe for someone with no Jewish ancestry, it would feel different. Maybe other Jews have had similar experiences...I would love to hear about them if anyone wants to share.

One thing I am learning, which I can articulate at this point is that, despite my lifelong pursuit to see humanity as one, right now I see that we are made up of different groups, with real differences, some of them possibly irreconcilable. I have always rejected this view as an impediment to peace, but now I am thinking...it’s true. There are real differences. What that means for the possibility of peace, I do not know.

I want to make Jewish food, chicken soup, kugel, who knows what else.