Monday 25 June 2007, 18:54

I am hoping this post makes clear my appreciation to the really wonderfully generous kind people I stayed with and near in Germany who helped me during a difficult time. I don't know how I would have made it without them.

I also want to be very clear that my personal experience of physical pain, whether it's simply mechanical or psychic or both or neither, is not about my interpersonal experiences in Germany. It is not about the beauty of the countryside. When I refer to the painful part of my experiences and interpret that, I am not blaming or holding responsible anyone I met, stayed with, hung out with.

I also am clear that I did have a very intense experience which I am still processing physically, emotionally, and psychically. I would not be true to myself if I said that Germany does not and has not cast a shadow in my life. It has. That is not anyone's job, nor does it lie within anyone's ability, to heal or reconcile. I am not looking for or expecting that from anyone. That is my work to do, hopefully with support, and I experience that support from many people including, and sometimes especially, friends who are German.

I made a comment a few entries ago:

"One thing I am learning, which I can articulate at this point is that, despite my lifelong pursuit to see humanity as one, right now I see that we are made up of different groups, with real differences, some of them possibly irreconcilable. I have always rejected this view as an impediment to peace, but now I am thinking...it’s true. There are real differences. What that means for the possibility of peace, I do not know."

I know so many people who are committed to peace, and I understand that for me to make a public statement like that is uncomfortable for some folks. I am learning. I am questioning. I ask uncomfortable questions. I always have and it's gotten me into trouble more times than I can count. I, too, am committed to peace, and I have questions about how it does and does not exist, how we do/can and do not/cannot manifest it. I do not know the answers, but I see what I see and it makes me wonder, so I ask.

More than anything I want my presence in the world to be one that spreads love. Sometimes I am really good at this. Sometimes, not so good. At free camp in 2006 we worked with the 3 faces of betrayal; betraying others, being betrayed by others, betraying ourselves. We worked with the reality that we each experience all three, and despite that we need to love each other and ourselves in order for there to be peace. I continue to work with this lesson.