Grief and Emergence

On October 3 my dear friend Zack died.  He was a 15 year old dog who had an amazing life.  He was kind, smart, funny at times, and very very much a person.  His natural body smell was like sugar donuts.  He inspired love in people who don't even like dogs. We were together for just over 10 years, together most days, most of the day, and he slept on my bed at night.  I know his death was approaching, he was old for a dog and a few months after we moved to New Mexico, he started to lose his appetite. He lost weight and became weaker and weaker, and finally it was time.  Horrible, awful, devastating, so so sad; I miss him all the time.

It's been almost 3 months.  I am starting to emerge from the depression of grieving for Zack.  Yesterday I went for a hike and today I worked out.  First time for both since Zack died.

2021 has been a year of grieving for our world, for the biosphere which humans continue to destroy, for the bare minimum of human decency which is being shredded by fascists, for all those suffering under the yoke of imperialist violence, for all the animals being mistreated by humans, etc etc.  I could go on and on.

I have never been one to deny my feelings, so I feel sadness and frustration about all of this.  I feel it every day.  I am not the only one, by far.

We really are all in this together. I am not a Christian by any means but when Jesus is quoted to have said "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me" that quote resonates with me big time.  Until humanity matures and stops giving power to narcissists and other psychopaths, we will continue on this destructive path.  

Most humans are not narcissists, but we keep electing these psychopaths to seats of power.  They make promises and people buy into it, even after being deceived over and over.  Politicians are Lucy with the football and the voters are Charlie Brown. Don't you wish Charlie Brown would just walk away from Lucy, just once? It is the rest of us who keep electing these psychologically malformed persons, that need to mature, to stop looking for solutions from people in power and instead to insist that they actually be in service to the common good.  

May 2022 be a year of enlightenment for us all!

Uncertainty and Anxiety

 We live in uncertain times.  Covid, political unrest, climate change, all big issues that concern all of us because they threaten our well-being.  Humans instinctually do what it takes to survive, or at least what we think will allow us to survive.  Right now our survival faces threats that are biological and social, and these overlap.  The Corona Virus presents the most obvious threat to our survival, but since it has been politicized in some countries, like the US, there is overlap between the biological and the political.  Likewise climate change threatens our lives, and the politicization of climate change creates overlap again.  In other words, these three things all overlap in a Venn Diagram.  The point is that yes it is real, threats to human survival exist.

Humans are sensitive creatures.  We perceive with our physical senses and we perceive with our emotional senses.  We detect emotions in ourselves and others, and our emotions are often in response to our experiences.  We experience emotions regarding the threats I outlined above.  

If you are having emotional responses, if any aspects of our reality cause you to feel sad, or angry, or afraid, you might also be feeling some anxiety.  Anxiety is one of your body's natural responses to stress. It's a heightened state wherein your adrenal glands are activated, fueling your mind and body to respond to the stressor.  Sometimes anxiety is like an alarm, sometimes it's like a massive storm.

There are a variety of techniques one can employ to reduce anxiety.  Pharmaceuticals is one.  Nutritional and/or herbal remedies can also be helpful.  Learning to regulate your nervous system through mindfulness and breathing is perhaps the most accessible since it doesn't require a trip to the doctor or the store.

Relaxation & Finding Inner Teachings is a set of three audio recordings which lead the listener through a guided imagery experience designed to reduce anxiety and increase a sense of well-being.  If you have no experience with meditation or guided imagery, these are a great place to start.

If you are someone who already knows how to meditate or engage in deep relaxation, these tools can help you to reduce anxiety.  Knowing how to do something and remembering to do it, however, are two different things.  I encourage you to remember the tools you have, and to use them. You may already have at your disposal methods to make you feel better, even during these uncertain times.

Hey Empaths This Is For You!

 The trick to not being emotionally laid low by the world is to differentiate between one's personal challenges which one can effect, and the big "humanity sized" challenges which are rarely affected significantly by one person, and to adjust one's responses accordingly.

We all face whatever local challenges we face, in relationships, work life, finances, etc.; whatever these happen to be. We are able to make choices in these arenas, more or less, depending on a number of variables including the cultural or societal, depending on where we live.

Then there are the big humanity sized issues that change more gradually, and usually through social movements.  These are very gradual, groups of humans effect change on the global scale at a much slower rate than we individuals do in our local scenarios.

I have experienced, and may other empathic people have told me similar stories, a lot of distress from and about the big human issues; our brutality, corruption, and all that stuff.  It can be painful to be aware of these things, and we now have awareness of so much of what happens in the world because of the internet and the ubiquitous devices bringing us information all the time.  It's a bit much!

What I am learning is that if I separate out my personal local stuff from the big humanity sized stuff, when I am feeling most clear, I can choose to be aware of the big stuff and respond to it in whatever ways I choose, and not be laid low emotionally by all that, or at least be laid low emotionally less severely and less of the time.  If I focus on making my local situation as good as I can, and am fortunate to exist in a context where I can do that and appreciate that, it fuels my resilience for responding to the big stuff.

Responsibility, the ability to respond; if I can respond, especially in a creative or helpful way, however small, to the big issues, that also fuels my resilience in dealing with my local personal life issues.

People who are strongly empathic can find themselves experiencing empathy fatigue.  By working within ourselves we can reduce and maybe even prevent that.

This Human Journey

 Today I am recovering from my second dose of the Moderna Covid-19 vaccine.  Last night was rough; fever, aches, very unpleasant. Today I am better, though exhausted from last night.  I'm sure all that informs how I am feeling.

Reading about what's happening in Myanmar, children gunned down in the street by soldiers (with Russian weapons, supplied by Russia), dozens killed yesterday, and dozens in the weeks since the coup, and how many more?

10 people gunned down by yet another young white male shooter in the US; where is the response that says we must address why and how our society creates these killers?  I don't see it.  I don't hear it.

Violence is one of humanity's most enduring problems, our violence.  War, domestic violence, violence on the streets, the systemic violence of racism (Georgia passing Jim Crow voting restriction laws this week), violence against women (Minnesota Supreme Court ruling that it isn't rape if the woman ingested alcohol prior to the forced non-consensual sexual activity) and the list goes on and on.

Are we evolving or are we de-evolving? I wonder.

May the healing begin...

How to begin? How to turn the corner from the feelings of anger and grief, of feeling terrorized and violated, for myself and on behalf of others. I’m not quite there but I am beginning to see that it is necessary to turn this over, to let go of the vitriol and focus on what has been so horrific and appalling.

We’re emerging from four years of a deeply abusive relationship, complete with violence, gaslighting, pillaging, and more. The country has been traumatized, and it already was traumatized, but this last four years has been a concentrated dose of poison.

There are a lot of people for whom the abuse and trauma was not just psychological, it was and still is physical.  There are families that have been separated and may never find each other again.  There are over 400,000 people dead from a virus, many of those deaths were preventable.  People have been killed, and injured from the trickle down of bigotry from “on high.”  The wounds are many and healing is gradual.

Perhaps we need a Truth & Reconciliation process.  Perhaps we need to broadly encourage people to express themselves as part of their healing, in art, in sharing with loved ones, in ceremony and ritual even. This has been a nightmare and we are not out of it yet.  What happens next?  How DO we heal as a people?  Do we have to heal as individuals first?  Maybe they are the same thing.  

Our country was facing huge challenges before this period of toxic regression and chicanery, and those challenges did not go away.  Some are now more difficult.  Some areas have made progress, ironically because of the virus. We add to all of that the recovery and reconstruction required now. It looks like a lot of work. 

Part of our work has got to be celebrating and helping each other.  Isn't that the antidote to cruelty and deceit?

On this day...

 It's Sunday, the day I shop at 7 AM, during the "Old People's" shopping time.  It's my one outing, and it's weekly.  I shopped as usual, and driving home, listening to George Harrison "Living in the Material World" I felt so strongly George's presence, and I asked him to help.  Help me.  Whatever the work is that's left for me, and there seems to be plenty of it, I am still here, and I sure could use help.  Then they just flooded in, all my beloved dead; Maureen, my parents, my brother, Madelin; so many have passed.  And I remembered how all of us who live are descended from people who lived through so much.  I thought of my friend Yoeke's mother, who survived a nazi concentration camp.  I think of my melinated friends and what they go through.  

On this week's episode of Paradigms I spoke with Sandor Katz about his new book "Fermentation as Metaphor".  One thing he shared is that we are each made up of and host to trillions of micro-organisms, and it made me think, maybe we can appeal to or somehow reach out to the micro-organisms in the people who are filled with rage and believing lies and pushing a violent racist agenda.  We know that meditation changes the literal vibrations around the meditator.  Do these concepts offer ways to get through to people who are so lost they don't believe their own eyes and ears anymore, but only what they are told by someone they idolize? 

It's morning still, early.  What will this day bring?  

New Strategies for a Different World

Growing up in the US has been about getting through school, maybe even college, finding work, having friendships and relationships.  For some people it means surviving adverse conditions, white supremacy, police violence, but for everyone regardless of level of privilege there is always the idea that if you play your cards right and have some good luck you just might end up with a life you want, amount of luck depending on numerous variables.

"Getting what I want" is the driving force behind capitalism, which is destroying the world.

Now we are faced with a global pandemic, likely being used to commit genocide in some places, being successfully subdued in others.  Here in the US west the fires have created a new normal of toxic smoke and all it brings; toxic soil, sick wildlife and pets, gardens we cannot eat, and more.

After 2 weeks of not seeing the sky, and breathing in noxious fumes, I panicked and started preparing to move back to Vermont.  I mobilized friends and family and found an apartment to move into and have been getting ready to move, but with misgivings.  Big rent, in town living with my dog who is a country dog (as am I!), the drive across the country; all fuel my doubts.

Indecision has never been a big issue for me.  Generally I have a good idea of what choice to make in most situations.  That's been one of the things that I appreciated in this life.  Now I am not feeling decisive.

What I am realizing today is that my fantasy of my comfy little life where I work as much as I want and can take breaks without huge financial strife, where the sky is blue and the soil is not poisoned and I can grow things and enjoy...lovely images, have lived parts of it, but right now we are in a time where what I want is not even close to the top of the priority list anymore.  In order to respond effectively to the many stressors we are all facing, I need to rise to the occasion, and put my own personal wants aside so I can focus on the tasks at hand.  It's a challenge. Translated this means...stay in the toxic zone and help heal the soil and the air and the water.

I am not deciding, I am exploring possibilities.

It's about relinquishing ego and attachment. The ongoing work.

Paradigms Notes: Leaving social media, and how are artists surviving?

I hope this finds you well in these trying times!

This week I decided to remove the Twitter and Facebook links from the Paradigms website.  It's been coming.  I had already closed my accounts on both sites, but I hadn't gotten around to removing the links.  I finally did and it feels good to sever those connections. I removed the Google ads last year and stopped advertising on Google.  Right now Paradigms exists with no advertising at all.

Twitter and Facebook (and their subsidiaries and affiliates) have shown such disregard and lack of responsibility in administering and monitoring themselves, and this for money, that anything I would do that puts money in their coffers at all, I wanted to stop.  From selling users' private information to making secret deals to effect elections, it's clear that there are no ethics involved, just greed.

The other thing I did is I signed up for an ASCAP license.  Paradigms has had a BMI license for years, which means that music on the show is licensed and the artist gets something, probably not much, per play of their music.  Not every artist has a BMI account, some have ASCAP, so by signing up for an ASCAP license it means more musicians will get paid through Paradigms.

The Paradigms revenue stream comes through the Patreon page, which, right now, brings in $65 a month.  That $780 a year is about a third of the cost of putting on the show, maintaining the website, etc. The rest comes out of my pocket, and I earn my money doing therapy and make between $30k and $40k a year before taxes.

Why be transparent about this?  Because while Paradigms is my creation, the support of listeners is part of what sustains it.  Even though the monthly revenue is small it not only helps pay the bills, it helps remind me that people value Paradigms, which is the mission, to add value to people's lives.  The cost of producing the show will go up with the ASCAP license, and as I said, that is money that will go to artists, so worth supporting.

Since Covid the number of radio stations downloading Paradigms from the Pacifica Audio Port has gone from 6 to 50 (some weeks) which means more people are hearing the show.  That is very exciting!

Thanks for reading, and thank you for listening to Paradigms!