Rough couple of days. Anniversaries can be brutal. The last few days have been the 7th anniversary of my mother’s murder. I don’t know about you but for me this kind of thing is like being run over by a train. Twice. It’s not a cognitive emotional process it is visceral, cellular, autonomic. Now it is the end of the day. Seven years ago tonight the worst was over, or at least the initial shock. I still feel like I am in shock seven years later. I thought that somehow perhaps magically the number seven would lessen the intensity but it didn’t. Oh well. Next summer I am going to plan for this very differently.

I know a lot of friends and family have been thinking about this in the last few days and I feel the love flowing between us, amongst us. Gratitude.

We've been in the new place for a week. Phew! I feel myself decompressing from what was really an unhealthy abusive situation; grateful to be out and processing the experience. Anger, disappointment, betrayal, incredulity, pity, compassion, frustration...so many feelings and thoughts all winding down to a sense of relief.

The new place is funky, nice, warm, dry, not moldy, not stinking of cat shit, no weird oppressive energetic pall. It's good. It's sad to not have the wonderful garden outside the door, but next summer we will.

I am watching a documentary about Harry Nilsson. It's out there to watch for free, check it out. This guy felt a lot, experienced his pain, and was brilliantly creative. He took whatever it was that was inside him and brought forth music that affected the world, still does. Perfect timing for me right now, feeling depleted and not overflowing with creative inspirations.

Ah, it's all a process!

The last month has been completely about making this move, thus no new radio shows lately. I am looking forward to recharging and getting back to Paradigms. Next Sunday, August 14, the P.M.P. Band will be on Paradigms live in the studio. Tune in, it should be a lot of fun and good vibes!

As my housemates and I prepare to move, I am processing a lot of feelings about this experience. Once we are out of here it will be easier to move forward. I am learning more about boundaries, about how overly trusting I am, and once again about how there are people who are just not aware of or don't care about integrity, who say one thing and do quite another. In this world at this time, with all of what's going down, I am clear that my energies are best spent with people who are congruous, honest, and who care about others, so that is who I choose to be with.

Many thanks for all the love and support from friends and family through this!

I'm looking for a place to live! I'd like to find a cabin or small house for 1 or 2 people and my dog, with electricity, running water...the basics. I am, unfortunately, in a situation where it would be best for this to happen sooner than later as my current landlords have proven themselves not to be people who follow through when it comes to making the building watertight, etc. In any case it doesn't work for me.

Any and all leads would be appreciated!

Time for some reflecting. Last night WBKM aired the 79th episode of Paradigms. I’m feeling very good about the show. The guests are amazing wonderful people engaged in meaningful activity in the world, and music is such an energy mover; I feel a sense of accomplishment which is satisfying. I wish more people would listen to the show because I think they’d get so much from it. Tell all your friends!

It’s a slow spring arriving in Vermont this year. North America is receiving so much water right now, and we are no exception, so that means flooded lakes and rivers, and here at 1500 feet above sea level it means sodden ground, cooler temperatures, and a slow start to the growing season. There are now three adults living in this space, and Zack the dog. We are building the three bedrooms though. Framing happened on Saturday and is 80% done. Then it’s a matter of doing the dirtcrete floors, framing in the doors, putting up the wall coverings, wood between the rooms and glass and wood facing into the common space. Wiring for electricity and internet will go into each room, and then we can move in! The ceiling needs to be insulated and surfaced too. There’s a lot to do. At the same time we are preparing more beds in the garden, planting, and once the ground dries out a bit we will get part of the hillside plowed to plant a big 3 sisters garden in. The two hens, with their two roosters (thank goodness we got rid of the other 5 roosters, it has made everything better for everyone here) provide probably 10 eggs a week. Friends have been giving us perennials so we have planted a bunch of things up in the new orchard; lavender, bee balm, strawberries, raspberries, currants, roses.

Sharing this space with these two women is interesting. It works pretty well in that we are all respectful of each other, everyone does their share, and we are different enough that we cover different areas of maintaining the living space and a livable vibe. It will be good to get the bedrooms built though.

My housemates and me are planning on building a cordwood and masonry round house with round bedrooms built of the same material attached as pods going up the side of the hill a little. I also want to put a 12’ yurt up at the top of the hill near the orchard as a quiet space. The visioning is going well, and we are doing the work of sharing as we go along with each other and with the people who live in the other side of the earthship, and finding how to blend their visions of what is to happen here with ours. Some of that goes easily and some of it includes coming up against the little square blocks we all have in our minds. It’s definitely a learning experience, but it is working, and so far it’s worth the energy.

I’ve reduced my media consumption lately. The trends are clear, the issues of humans engaging in unethical immoral activity continue to be present, the same people are doing the same terrible things, I don’t need every detail right now. I feel that I am making more of a contribution by focusing on “my work” than by doing anything else.

Zack the dog has been here for over a week now. He is amazing. Everyone who has met him so far has been blown away by how sweet and present and well mannered he is. He is like another person in the house, except that he’s a dog. He’s a Samoyed and they are very special beings. He’s recovering from being mauled, so he has some scabs but they are starting to fall off and he is clearly enjoying his new home.

May we all find ourselves with the resources, the people, and the will to respond intelligently and kindly to what is in front of us.

Today I feel angry. I am angry at Americans. I am angry at the surprise so many feel when they realize that this country has been taken over by fascists. What the hell did you think was going on when Bush was illegally put into office? What the hell did you think was going on when Bush invaded Iraq, or when Obama maintained the Bush policies of torture and rendition? Come on people, wake up!

The republicans have been planning this takeover for years. Republican governors and legislatures are passing draconian laws, vilifying poor people, giving more tax cuts to the rich, allowing the corporations to blatantly buy elections, disenfranchising voters, etc. and democrats are complicit. Both democrats and republicans are essentially one corporate party, in case you haven't figured that out yet.

It is great that middle class people are finally feeling the squeeze and going out into the street. Finally! What took you so long?? You were too comfortable with your TVs and computers; your liberalism that allows you to feel like you are off the hook for the carnage this country has been wreaking around the world. Guess what...you are NOT off the hook, you are hanging on the hook like a piece of meat, and the wealthy maggots of Wall Street and "Government" are feeding on your carcass. They will eat every bit of you until there is nothing left. That is the price of complacency.

If people in this country are serious about reclaiming government and about refusing fascism, the time to act is now. We do not have the luxury of complacency, of waiting to see what will happen next because it is happening now.

Tax the poor masses to enrich the wealthy few. Exterminate the people of the middle east and northern Africa so we can take oil and other wealth from the land. Disassemble education, health care, any assistance, so that Americans will be poor and stupid and sick, and easily manipulated. That is the game plan that has been enacted by the republicans with the aid of the democrats, and it is working.

If my words make you uncomfortable, good. Maybe you'll do something instead of being a "good German" who sits back while the shit goes down.

And if my words piss you off, good. Maybe your head will clear and you will see through the haze. And if you decide that I am the problem because I am saying these things, go look in the mirror. There you will see the problem.

Communication. We are about to enter one of this year's four periods of Mercury Retrograde, which means the planet Mercury is moving away from us effecting electronics, machinery, communications, scheduling and timing...some people believe in this stuff, some people don't.

Communication is a huge part of my life and I think all of our lives. Most of my work life has involved communication through speech and writing with other humans. Words. I think I am pretty good at using words to convey meaning. I have always found that it takes a great deal more intention and more words to accurately convey my thoughts than I would instinctually use, so I am very often engaged in the exercise of translating my own internal shorthand into a form that others can hopefully receive with my message intact. It's easier with writing because I can take my time, edit, proofread, but speaking with people is different. There is no editing once a thing has been spoken.

In this time of political uprising, communication is critical to effective constructive change. I encounter, over and over, people working for the same things but slowed down or stymied by ineffective communication. Often it seems that emotional reactivity is what's skewing the communication. That's the thing I find myself working on perpetually. And I see the same thing in others.

Here's to mindful communication!

Please watch this, the whole thing.

I do this radio show Paradigms every week, well most weeks. Sometimes I haven't got a show so I don't force it. But it's most weeks. I continue to amaze myself.I don't know how many people are listening, but I am putting out some good stuff that offers a lot of ideas and inspiration and real solutions for what ails us as a society, as a world. The quality of communication coming from guests on the show is so satisfying for me. I hope others are feeling fed. I sure am.

For instance, the show that will air on WBKM tonight. Usually I do interviews and combine them with music. Tonight is a broadcast of the panelists at yesterday's Town Meeting in Montpelier Vermont hosted by Senator Bernie Sanders. The topic was corporate personhood. The panelists were radio host and author Thom Hartmann, president of Public Citizen Rob Weissman, Professor of Constitutional Law Cheryl Hannah, State Senator Ginny Lyons, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield of Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream.

Anyone who listens to this show and checks out some of the links at the show's website will be educated on the history and ramifications of the Citizen's United decision, and will have tools to help reclaim this country from corporate domination. I hope a lot of people get involved!

Today I put together this Special Report on what's going on in Madison, Wisconsin.

I am plagiarizing myself. Facebook is interesting. I continue to meet interesting people and have provocative conversations. I just want to save some of my own thoughts here, and share them.

Regarding the political model of "right" and "left" this is a binary either/or model which doesn't work. What if, instead of a 2 dimensional set of axis points we have 4 dimensions, include space and time...then what are the possibilities? It is easy to think in terms of the individual. We live in an individualistic society. But if you pull your consciousness back, out, up, and become a witness to this planet, you can see that this is just a field of life, one pond, and the ecology of this pond has the same cycles that any pond has. Different nutrients are available, different species thrive on different things, and as nutrients are consumed and become something else, the life forms adapt or die off and new ones take their place. It's an ongoing process. The fact that we have consciousness means we can to some degree choose our direction. If we think in terms of the space we live in, and the way time progresses, look at what resources are available and at what cost, and turn to human inspiration and creativity as a synergistic whole rather than focus on the acquisitions and accomplishments of the individual to the exclusion of the group, then what happens?

What's happening in Wisconsin, Ohio, Tennessee, with the attempts to bust the unions from the republican legislatures and republican governors, that will not happen here in Vermont. What is happening here that is connected, however, is the presence of these weapons manufacturers. Vermont is part of the war machine because we allow military industrialists to use the resources of this state (people, electricity, etc) for their gain. If people can see the connection between the breaking of the middle class, the war the republicans have declared on the US (and yes Dems too) and the presence of the military industrial complex in our state, perhaps people in Vermont would rise to the occasion and demand an end to their presence here. I know a lot of people will cry jobs and money, but look at the price?

Poor working and middle class people vote for republicans against their own interests because they are hypnotized by the right wings BS. The family values christian stuff resonates with a lot of people because they are scared. Back in, oh 1935, the Germans were scared, and boy did they want someone to blame for their problems, and their chancellor served them up a number of scapegoats...sound familiar? We are the chosen race blah blah blah...same line as the right or should I say white wing. Concentrate the wealth, blame the poor but exploit them and increase their numbers, etc.

A 15 yr old girl in St. Albans, I think it was, got away from two mid 20's males in a white van...good for these girls! Hey all the men out there, it is our job to let each other know that this shit is not OK! Tell your sons, your brothers, your friends, your fathers. When you see or hear another man being an asshole towards women, call them on it! By not naming this and calling each other on it, the really sick men imply a tacit permission. This must stop.

A corporation is a legal entity that is staffed by people. Most corporations are designed to be self perpetuating. Unfortunately since a corporation is not a person but a group of people following the mandate I just described, corporations lack the ability for empathy, and easily become psychopathic in their actions. We see that clearly in major corporations around the world and in governments which have become, essentially, corporations that serve other corporations.

The sun is shining through the clouds. It’s in the high 20’s F outside, not really cold. Occasional snow floats down from the sky. The stoves in the house are keeping it warm in the earthship, around 50 F.

I am in a period of time where I am working on projects and awaiting/inviting inspiration for others. There are no demands on my time. It’s quiet. I feel pretty raw. I am aware that I am avoiding a lot of feelings; of grief and frustration, and anger. Through the wonders of modern technology it is possible to avail oneself of lots of information, which is made available through corporate political and individual filters, about what is happening around the world today. The mental snapshot that is aggregated in my mind from the information I receive, is a distressing one. Really distressing. Of our people, my people, the other humans, with whom I share more similarities than differences, so many are in dire straits, through natural occurrences and human made ones. Humans are inflicting violence upon each other and upon Earth. The violence takes many forms, from outright physical violence to economic, psychological, and spiritual violence, violation. And earth is changing, in part due to human activities and most likely, as part of natural cycles.

Here I am doing what I can from within this context. I manage to touch a lot of people even being in a singular location. That’s a gift, a responsibility, and some solace. The ocean of feelings though is not reduced in quantity or scope or depth, and I have to gauge and measure and take care not to avoid it entirely but not to drown in it, not to be flooded, so that I can keep functioning. I imagine many people feel similarly.

It is a certainty that my friends and family are what keeps me going. I am sustained by you, both literally in terms of physical support, and in those unquantifiable ways of love and connection. That fills me with joy actually. My life is a great example of a journey into a more interconnected existence.

The actions of the US government continue to be distressing, as the millionaires in Congress voted themselves another tax cut and will vote themselves a raise in January, and the repeal of DADT while hailed as a civil rights advance also represents a cultural expansion of the military. Thanks Congress for throwing us that progressive bone as you add nearly a trillion dollars to the deficit to pay for your tax cuts. President Obama continues to disappoint as he capitulates on the big issues while doing lots of good little things. This is an interesting website that tracks his actions in terms of promises kept, promises broken, and compromises, as well as accuracy in his speeches. As I write that I do have to say, jeez it would suck to be under that much scrutiny.

Then I go outside and feel the thousands of acres of forest that I live adjacent to. There is all this life which we don’t see but it’s there nonetheless. Bears, moose, deer, fox, beavers, probably catamounts, birds, snakes...and so many trees and bushes and other plants and it’s all connected through the network of mycelium. There is also a whole network of water in the land, springs, underground aquifer, ponds, all alive. The birds in the chicken house have all reached full size and while I went through a desire to reduce the number of roosters, I haven’t. This flock works as it is, and truthfully I have always wanted to be closer to birds, and now I get to interact with them multiple times a day. they are all used to me and most of them now let me handle them, under protest but without being so freaked out.

And it is solstice. I work with this part of the wheel of the year for about a week. It’s not optional. The moment of the solstice is a few days away but we are in that time of the shortest days and longest nights. I was just recollecting solstices past, where I was and what I was doing. I have always nested at this time of year. It’s my most inward period. I like to sleep a lot and dream. I usually gain some weight and don’t like to travel or see a lot of people. I was invited to spend time with a dear friend and her family, who are all family to me at this point, and I just kept arguing with myself about whether or not to go, and I finally decided not to. This is my first solstice time here on this land, in this place. I’m enjoying watching the light snow floating down from the sky. There is a little patch of sunlight at the edge of the sky just over Burnt Mountain. The rest is a light grey. The light is already waning and it’s just past 3 PM. There’s a fire in the stove, there’s good water and food, and the two black cats who live next door have moved in over here, so I have feline company. There are waves of joy and sadness. This time of year I find myself evaluating, looking back at the past year and even further back. I go through this every year. I remember people who are not in my life anymore through death or estrangement or just the dissipation of relationship. I think about the people I feel connection with and how amazingly blessed I am to know them. I think about things I would do differently, or hope to, and things I would handle as I did should a similar situation present itself.

Facebook has an app that allows you to see what the top 10 words were in your status updates for the year. All of mine were related to my radio show Paradigms. That surprised me. It’s true, though, that I have put more energy into it than into any other one project. I am pretty focused and intent on putting these shows together. I know that they are heard, and occasionally I get feedback, but for the most part I have no idea how many people are listening, how many keep coming back, and how the show affects them. Maybe it’s best that way? The show does not generate income, and maybe it’s best that way too. I don’t know. It sure is interesting to me though, to have this one project be so significant and to have this mysterious aspect to it. I like it.

The snow is still drifting down, and I continue reflecting and feeling the life that is in me and around me.

The solstice this year also coincides with a full moon and a lunar eclipse.

love,
Baruch

This is the speech Obama SHOULD make.

"My fellow Americans, these are tough times. We all know it, we all feel it, we are all affected. It is in times like these that we need to pull together, each doing our best to live up to the ideals this country was founded on. To that end I am asking Congress to immediately implement a number of measures in order to raise revenues and lift our country out of the mire of debt and unemployment, and in order to protect the natural environment. I propose a new tax on all incomes over $250,000 a year. This tax will be progressive, so that the more a person made the higher the percentage of that income will be paid in taxes. I know that the idea of new taxes is onerous to many but right now we need to do what's best for the most. The good of the many outweighs the good of the few. This tax will not impoverish anyone, it will only be levied on those who already have more than they need to get by. Likewise corporations with over 100 employees will also see their taxes raised, and loopholes that have allowed multinational corporations to evade paying taxes must immediately be closed. We estimate that these measures will raise over $1 trillion in the next 10 years. A portion of that money is to be set aside for retooling factories for the manufacture of solar panels, windmills, and other green technologies. This will create jobs, lower our carbon footprint as a nation, and help us get on the right track with regards to global warming. These are just a few parts of the plan I will be presenting to Congress this week. When the new Congress convenes in January I will call upon each and every member to put aside their personal feelings and to work for the good of the nation. I ask you to let your congressional representatives and senators know what you want them to do, whether you want them to focus on their election campaign fund raising or to do the work of governance. I am also asking Congress to support an immediate drawdown in troop deployments abroad. My goal is to start closing US bases around the world, and to recall our forces. This will save over $5 billion per week! Last but not least I have set up a task force whose job it will be to collect ideas from you, the American people. No idea is too small for us to consider. What are your ideas for deficit reduction, for environmental protection, for economic recovery?
Thank you for the opportunity to serve."

This is the speech I wish Obama would make. I wrote it imagining I was writing from his point of view.

I feel myself in the stream of life. The river. The ocean. Always in motion, bringing life and death and everything in between.

I wonder what is the effect on the human being of encountering the incomprehensible time and time again? Surely we each do this. Every human comes face to face with the mystery of life and death, the enormity of existence, the fact that we all die. And each death has it’s own uniqueness, just as each birth does, and each lifetime.

If I let myself feel it, this stream, this dream, flowing over and around and through me, that is some kind of awareness. And on it goes until it’s my turn, and then...

Hi readers:

I am looking to do a number of short interviews with people post election to air on my show November 7. Anyone who is willing, please email me your phone number and a few times that will work for you. I will confirm a time and call you and we can go from there. I am hoping to hear from people all over the place! Thank you!

love,
Baruch

The attention finally being given to the issue of gay kids and bullying is blowing my mind. I never thought I would live to see this. I stayed in the closet until I was in my mid 20’s. My family was pretty gay positive. My parents had gay friends. But I internalized the hate and loathing my peers expressed when they called me a faggot. I didn’t even know I was one until other kids bullied me and called me names. I lived through the hateful Civil Union debate in Vermont 10 years ago, which was really something, and now we have marriage equality. I never imagined I would live to see the day.

I watched Clint McCance apologize in an interview with Anderson Cooper. It is impossible to know if he is sincere or just a coward, but it seems that he learned something about how ignorant he had been...and isn't that what we want? Let the ignorant speak out and be educated and recant their ignorant statements.

Perhaps I am being too generous and McCance is just saying what he thinks people want to hear. Perhaps I am a fool for believing him even a little. He is clearly homophobic. You can see it when he talks about the issue. However, due to his cruel statements, has himself become the focus of hatred. He has received hateful email, threats, etc. That seems to have shocked him some.

When we choose to hate the hateful, we become hateful ourselves.

I am glad that there is now the It Gets Better Project on YouTube so people can speak out and so people can see that in fact, it does get better.

It’s been years since I went to a Gay Pride event, or did anything overtly political related to gay rights. I marched in DC in the 80’s, and in Burlington and Montpelier Vermont. I wrote letters to the editor, volunteered with a couple of gay positive non profit agencies. I am not “coming to terms” with my sexual orientation anymore, I just am who I am and pretty comfortably so. With all this attention being paid to these issues in the mainstream media I find myself revisiting my past as an observer now. I hear about gay and lesbian kids killing themselves because of the pain they cannot bear, and I remember well how it felt to perceive myself as not part of the world of people. Sure I had friends, but in my teens and early 20’s I felt separated from everyone by my secret, which I felt ashamed of. It wasn’t until I was 25 that someone said to me for the first time “Being gay is a good thing.” That was an amazing powerful experience which was a catalyst for me. I am grateful to that person.

In many western industrialized countries being gay or lesbian is mostly accepted. In the US there is always this writhing religious extremism trying to remake the country in it’s own image, so we see right wing evangelical christians mainly promoting hate and intolerance of GLBT people. Modern Judaism doesn’t really address the issue. There certainly are no jews out there ranting against gay people as there are christians. Islam also is not presenting any uber message in this country as regards to sexual orientation. Of course Muslims have other problems to deal with in this country and in the world.

There have always been people who were not heterosexual, and there always will be. Maybe Clint McCance has had a real wake-up call. Maybe others will too. I hope that whoever is out there preaching intolerance, hate, nonacceptance; I hope and wish that you would understand how much you are hurting people, and knock it the fuck off. You have no right.

Gee I guess I still have some angry feelings about all this.

This week’s radio show is for Hallowe’en. My guests talk about earth energy and connectedness; about ancestors and our relationship with death, and about the love which earth based spirituality focuses on. I’m very happy about the episode, I think it’s good. I also think it’s about the same core issue I’ve been discussing, which is, how we can choose connection over disaffection, be it earth connection, human connection, or something else. Hate is not part of the solution, no matter what. It just isn’t. Anger that one uses to propel sound action is great. Dwelling in a space of anger and putrid fear of “other” is just not healthy. Fear of death, fear of other, fear of truly liberating oneself and being free; these drive so many to such lengths, and yet it is not necessary.

All of us have our triggers and times when we get angry, sometimes mean, even hateful. The solution is to see it, name it, and then to touch the Earth and acknowledge the reality of life on this planet, however you perceive it, and move on from the ick to your real work.

Last night as I lay in that place between sleep and being awake, I had a vision.

I saw the earth becoming more and more overrun with humans until we were everywhere, on every mountain and in every field, and there was no space left for anything else. And the people grew hungry, and afraid, and some of them preyed upon others. And all the infrastructure of centuries collapsed, and there was disease and death and most of the people died.

There were people who lived, mostly in less populated places, and they made their lives and activities sustainable by joining with the Earth, and they thrived, in spite of the pollution left behind. The previous civilization turned to dust pretty quickly, and was buried, and as the generations of humans came and went, the memories became stories became legends became myths. And the Earth repaired herself. And some of the animals came back.

There are also, in this vision, humans who lived through the time of overcrowding and death by virtue of high technology. And they learned how to sustain themselves as well. And eventually, as the population subsided, there was intercourse between the techy folks and the folks who allied themselves with the Earth.

Beyond that my vision did not extend.

I have no children and am unlikely to. I am 50 and my knowledge of my own mortality is that it is a certainty. I find myself aware of wanting to leave something behind. This community, Neruda, is part of my legacy. I am part of Neruda, and this community is growing and moving towards energy and food self sufficiency at a pretty amazing pace. I see Neruda existing after my life is over. Beyond the time when all our lives are over there will be people living here, growing food, eating from the fruit trees we have yet to plant. This will be one of the places where life survives and thrives again, and from whence life will spread again.

I have a vision of this farm. I see the inside of the earthship finished on both sides. This side is all wood and stone and cob and adobe; dry, warm, with lots of earthy textures and colors, the soapstone hearth and a soapstone stove on it, earthen floor with rugs, bedrooms finished, kitchen fixed up a bit, finished bathroom...and outside the gardens in full fertility growing food, happy chickens, gardens growing up the hillside. I see a micro-hydro system powering the earthship and another duplex on the driveway with gardens growing up the hill from it and all around it, and the farmhouse also amidst productive beautiful lush gardens. I see animals on the hillside and in the lower field. I see fruit trees and nut trees and birds nesting all over. I see beehives and...I see so much life and fertility. I see food to share with lots of people. I see people gardening and sitting in the garden and enjoying the peace.

So mote it be.

Addendum: I just got 3 bales of straw and some more chicken wire. On site we have lumber, cement, paper, and nails. Tomorrow with help from friends I will build one wall of the new chicken house which will be stickbuilt with light straw papercrete, providing insulation and a waterproof surface on both sides of the wall so the chickens will be warm and dry in the winter. We will frame the wall, put chicken wire on one side, flip it over and fill with straw, then put chicken wire over that. Then in the manner of light straw clay we will use cement and papercrete to seal up the surface. When that dries we will flip the wall over and cement/papercrete that side. Why do it with the wall horizontal you ask? It will make for a much easier time, I theorize, in applying the papercrete. The wall will not be too heavy when it comes time to stand it up and attach it to the other walls and the deck, especially with a few people to help. Heck I was one of three people that stood up a 10x16 wall when I built my house in 1990. That was way heavier than this will be. I'll post photos in the new Earthship photo album linked on the right side of this page.

I'm grateful that I live out in the country because I do not have the patience or the filters to deal with people much. I can't seem to get past this hair trigger rage that has been with me since August 2004. It's a problem, and the only respite, the only recourse, seems to be no people except those I trust and know well.

I was doing pretty well, and then EAT happened here and the stress of trying to make this thing happen perfectly, which it did not in part due to my mistakes and also to things beyond anyone's control, along with some of the stuff I experienced with some of the people attending the class, has put me on edge and I am still feeling it. The course was great as usual, but some of the interpersonal stuff really challenged me. My ability to be patient or resilient in the face of what I experience as rudeness, self absorption, and a host of other annoying behaviors, is vastly diminished.

I do my best to stand for a lot of things in the world; kindness and compassion and love and nature and all that good stuff. As a somewhat public person, to whatever extent I am, I think some people expect me to behave in the ways they expect a public person to behave, i.e. an acquaintance recently was very offended by the comments I made about the abrahamics in my previous post. I have had a friend take me to task once when I shared some of my personal feelings about my first visit to Germany and some of my personal familial cultural baggage about that country.

I don't always make it pretty. I know that. I do my best to keep it real.

In the spirit of keeping it real I want to share here, again, how changed I feel since my mother was murdered 6 years ago. It's not that I think a lot about the event itself, or her, or her death. It's that I mark that event as a pivot point in my life. Something in me changed. I feel like an instrument that just can't stay in tune, and the discordant note is more often than not one of rage, also grief. Nameless rage and grief because, when you come right down to it, they are feelings that aren't hooked onto anything specific. In moments they are, but there is this just this endless well of ambient rage and grief that I draw from, or that pushes itself through me.

Yes there are plenty of things to be angry about in this world. I mean...look around. Listen to people. Rome is burning and there are billions of Neros fiddling away. It's beyond weird. Similarly there is plenty about which to feel grieved. We all know it. I can't readily escape it these days.

I am posting this because I know there are people who read this blog who love me, who I love, and this is one way to communicate with them. Also because I imagine there are plenty of others who can identify with some part of what I'm sharing, and that seems somehow useful.