24 December 2009

Last night I had dinner with dear friends and (finally!) met their 2 1/2 yr old son. What a joy. Earlier yesterday I was with dear friends celebrating life and the sacredness of all.

So many gifts.

Life is always changing so it’s obvious to say that this time in my life is unique, but I’m saying it anyway. I’m approaching my 50th birthday in a few months. That’s a trip. I’m living a very slow paced non-frenetic life, working on projects I believe in.

I notice that my sphere of awareness has changed. I am much more in touch with what’s happening in friends’ lives than I am in the world. In the past I’ve maintained a larger awareness. I’ve focused on the world, the suffering, the politics, the environmental changes. I answered the call to Gaia and consciously spent time focused on the whole. Now I am shrinking my sphere of awareness, and it’s good.

Earlier this month I attended a meeting of a homicide survivor’s support group. Thanks to a friend I realized I wanted and needed to do that, and found this group just in time to attend one of their quarterly gatherings. I was a little apprehensive at first, but the people were open and honest about what they were dealing with, and that made a space for me to acknowledge how I have been changed by the experience of my mother’s murder.

When it happened I grieved hard, but I also experienced an elation, a sense of release. I knew at the time that there was a manic quality to what I was experiencing, but I went with it; selling my house, getting rid of most of my stuff, closing my therapy practice, and then traveling for 4 years. Upon reflection, from this angle, I see how wise that was. I knew at the time that I had to do it, but in retrospect I see that, had I not propelled myself forward with that manic energy I would most likely have disintegrated into who knows what.

Now, with 5 years between me and Rita’s death, I have enough of a buffer to proceed with acknowledging the trauma of it all for me. I’m examining the ways in which my relationship with “the world” was changed, and how to deal with that.

Those years were spent both in solitude and in the company of many many people. I met people who I recognized as family, who I still feel close to. I participated in actions out of principle and conviction, going way beyond my comfort zone at times. I’m grateful for those experiences, for having had the energy to extend myself so far, for so much love and learning.

At the end of 2009 I find myself reeling in, shrinking that sphere of awareness, happily more concerned with those around me.

This week is especially great simply because I had some great bodywork and got a new cervical collar. That combination, along with judicious use of ibuprofen has resulted in a huge reduction in neck pain, halleluja! The last year has been pretty painful, since I split that cord of wood in Montana last December (never again!) and this week is the best relief I’ve had since then.

I am definitely no longer manic. My feelings are all pretty accessible; sadness, anger, joy and fear. Healing is happening within me.

08 December 2009


I capitalize the word nowadays, as I do the word Earth.

Both words represent something worthy of reverence.

On December 20 my radio show Paradigms will be focused on visions of Peace. Each of us has our own visions of a peaceful world.

Except that recently I have come to the understanding that not everyone knows how to envision Peace. Some people, for a variety of reasons, either cannot or do not believe they can (which amounts to the same thing) imagine Peace.

The mission of the December 20 Paradigms is to offer the visions of a variety of people from different places on Earth to prime the pump for listeners. It seems to me that the more people envision Peace, the more peaceful the world will become.

When was the last time you, dear reader, told someone of your visions of Peace, or listened while someone else shared theirs?

There are still spaces in the December 20 show for people who would like to contribute one of their visions of Peace. If you'd like one of those spaces, email me!